I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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