There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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