yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
