i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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