It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize