What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
