Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize