I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
