You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
