Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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