God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
