Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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