I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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