it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
