who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
