I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
