One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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