70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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