My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
