Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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