sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
