my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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