i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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