We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you didnt know i had herpes?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize