i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize