***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
