I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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