You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize