So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize