seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
