I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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