saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
