i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
