the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
