Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
