I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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