He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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