I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize