Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Randomize
