I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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