Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
