After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
