I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
