I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Randomize
