I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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