can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
