i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
