she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
