Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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