I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
