There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
