the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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