i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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