Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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