my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
