I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She told me I should be a condom model.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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